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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.